I have thought about this post for a long time. Re-written it many times over in my head. Feelings are so hard to put into words. The things that happen to us in life are hard to explain to others. Sometimes all you can say is I hope you never have to go through it.
There are many days in a girl's life that she looks forward to. We plan our whole lives for these days. We dream about what will happen, how we will feel, and we think about the people that will surround us on these days to share in our joy, love, and excitement. When these days finally happen, and you get to experience them, you forever remember every detail.
Tomorrow marks one of those days for me. Tomorrow is my 11 year wedding anniversary. It has been 11 years since I stood before God, family, and friends and promised my best friend that no matter what happened, no matter where life took us, we would be together forever. Now keep in mind, when you're young and in love, you never see those things that are in the future.You can't think of the worst case scenario. All you can do is hope that no matter what comes your way, you can weather the storm together.
I sit here 11 years later with tears streaming down my face, because for the first time in 11 years, we won't be celebrating this day. We will be boxing up half of our house. I am sitting in the living room writing this surrounded by boxes and tape that will hold the things that once held memories for us. The life that we built together. I once heard it said that men move on, and for years to come, women are sitting still trying to figure out where everything went wrong. I would completely believe this to be true, I have replayed the events of the past 2 years over and over again in my head. Only to come back to the same conclusion- there are some things in life you just cannot fix, no matter how hard you try.
Someone told me that if you keep staring at a closed door, you'll miss what's on the other side. The better stuff to come. For me, it isn't about starring at the closed door that's the problem. It is walking through that door and closing it in the first place. How do you make that decision? How do you say that it is okay to walk away from a life you have built with someone for 11 years? Some of my friends have walked away from their marriages and never looked back- a lesson learned. I can't see it this way. This is the person you were going to be with until the day you died. I remember sliding his ring on his finger and talking about how love was a never ending circle just like our rings with no beginning and no end. That ring (love) was the foundation to build all our hopes and dreams on. Just somewhere along the way, they lost their sparkle, they became more fragile from wear, and there were no hopes and dreams left.
Over the past 2 years, I have read many blogs on getting through the rough patch in your marriage, rebuilding your marriage, and moving on and starting over. What I have learned is no 2 stories are alike, no one can tell you how to feel, and no one can do this for you. You truly break completely.You have to feel every emotion. You have to create a whole new inside, because after so long, you have become a wife, a mother, an employee. You don't even recognize yourself anymore. Maybe this is the thing that had to happen for you to find out who you are again. Maybe this is the thing that makes you stronger. Maybe this helps you become who you are suppose to be. I just know that when you are walking through it, you just do the best you can. You hold on to the good things, the few laughs and smiles you have, and at some point, you start living again...
Any day now....
" And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what the storm is all about."
