Almost 9 months later....

I can honestly say looking back over this year, I properly titled this blog. So much has happened since my last blog - a house, celebrated 7 years of marriage, and welcomed a baby into our new home. We do not tend to do things the simple way. We don't just get one puppy, we get two. We don't buy a house that has a firm foundation, but one that has to be loaded on a big truck, moved through a semi-forest, and resettled. Why would a baby be any different? We didn't wait the typical 9 months for a beautiful baby. Now, don't take that wrong, we have been waiting a very long time for our baby, but he didn't come along as many expect. It all began with a simple phone call which began many months of tears, excitement, and memories. Some days, I have to pinch myself to make sure I am awake and some days, I am so afraid of getting up and finding out it was all too good to be true. I guess that is human nature to believe that something this amazing was too great to be true.

I guess I can say with all of the above, I am tired. There are days I just feel like sitting down and crying. There are days I feel like running so far away not because I am not happy but because the world seems to small. Sometimes, I feel as though life begins to take us over and we wake up without a voice. Hello? Do you hear me? If you know me, I am not very good at expressing my anger. It usually comes across as either I'm crazy or I just sound ridiculious because I can't put it into words. Do you ever feel like saying, "It's my turn! Did you forget me?" Do you ever feel life just slipping by while you just hang on. Do you ever wake up and say, "This is not what I had pictured for my life." We find ourselves going through each day to only get to the next one. I go to bed and question what I did and what I should have done better. How could I be a better mom? Did I make any mistakes today that I have to check into tomorrow? Did I get the record done today? I want to be that wife who makes an amazing dinner and bakes cookies with her children to take to school the next day. I am so blessed to be a mom of such an amazing baby boy. I want him to have a wonderful experience growing up. Most of all, it has gone by so fast, I don't want to miss a single second. Growing up, you always think you are going to be that amazing mom who can do it all.

I don't really have one certain idea for this blog. This is just a bunch of feelings and hopes for the rest of the year. For the rest of 2010...oh the possibilities.

"The best things in life are unexpected-
because there were no expectations."
-Eli Khamarov

Beard Shavings, Sticky Note, and a Gallon of Milk

Do you ever have those days where you are just mad at the world? Where you just want to punch someone for wearing stupid lime green pants? Where it seems like everything you do just seems to make you angrier and angrier?

Today was that day for me. As my mother-in-law would put it, my panties are in a complete bunch and just keep winding tighter. You would think that I got the worst news of my life. You would think that I didn't sleep last night. You might even think that I had gotten into a fight with my best friend. None of this happened. I can't even tell you one specific thing that lead to my panties wadding up. I guess because it was a line of events. It began with a conversation with a co-worker, that lead to a discussion with a patient, and then I began to realize my name tag no longer had my name on it. It had Dumb Butt engraved on it for the world to see. Not because I don't know how to do my job but because it seems as though the world decided to treat me as though I knew how to do nothing. They decided to explain things to me like I had not taken any of the steps that I know I should follow. Another patient literally came in with a sticky note with a deadline on it of something she needed completed. I faxed it in my final 15 minutes. Trying to think of what I was going to do when I got home to make myself feel better, I began to think about what to make for dinner. I realized it would require a gallon of milk. I messaged a family member, who mind you was off today, if they had gotten some. They are also the person who will drink half the gallon as soon as you get in the door with it. I got a response of no they hadn't as they proceeded to thank me for getting it. Then, I came home to beard shavings all over the bathroom sink. I was so mad. I threw a towel or two. Not because a beard shaving means a lot, but because it was one more thing to add to my day. I walked out of the bathroom to hear "hello, how was your day?" I did not respond. Just walked in my bedroom and shut the door. I am mad and for this moment want to continue to be angry. No one was getting off that easy.

So, now I am sitting on my bed watching Friends. It makes me smile. So, I am going to shut off my phone, watch Friends, and have dinner complete with the milk I purchased on my way home. The world with begin just to disappear in the distance. Tomorrow is always new with no mistakes in it. So, tomorrow, I will start over with a better attitude.

"I watch out my window as the planes take off into space. Oh, that I could fly away and start fresh. But I must realize that fresh starts also come in the pretty wrapped gift called 'tomorrow'."
-Unknown

My Crazy Mind

I stress about everything in my life. From what to wear today to if I wear these earrings, something bad will happen. I think it all goes back to when I was little.

Every Halloween, I dressed up for school. I usually spent the day not only looking stupid, but at some point, I would feel stupid. You see every year something happened and a teacher totally embarrassed me. One year, I took a math test. I felt like I did awesome. That I had just blown it out of the water. The teacher graded all of our tests. Mine was last. He came to mine and decided not only to go over the test with the class, but to ask the class the questions and get their answers. He then proceeded to tell them my answer and they all laughed. It seemed like the never ending day.

The next year, my English teacher decided to go around the room and give our grade for the six weeks out loud in front of the entire class. As I sat in my chair with my hair in stupid pig ears, she called out my name, followed by a grade that I truly don't remember. All I know is, it was followed by, "What has happened to you? Your grades are horrible. I am really disappointed." My hair became completely soaked by the tears I wiped from my eyes.

Another year, I wore a skirt as part of my costume. As I walked into school, I slipped and fell down the steps in front of the entire gym full of students.

Needless to say, I hate Halloween. I say all of that to say, my stupid mind works in a crazy way. As I said before I constantly worry about everything. If I wear this today, will something bad happen?

I understand that every decision we make effects our lives differently. But do the choices we make, cause a spiraling results that can ultimately change our destiny. How much does one decision change our life? At this moment in time, I am awaiting a big answer that will ultimately determine the rest of my life. I know what I want the answer to be, but I am not sure. I have always been one to believe in the power of prayer. But do you ever feel as though your life is in someone else's hands entirely and can anything change His mind? I have prayed constantly for this situation. I asked some friends if I buy something, will it change the outcome? I got so many different answers. But one said, "It will not change the outcome, but if you do buy something, you will always feel that it did."

So, tomorrow, I will wonder as I put on my shoes, if the shoes I put on my feet will effect my destiny. I will wonder if every decision I make will change my life path completely. The only thing I can hope for..... regardless where my life takes me or what happens, I am happy and with the ones I love most.

"I seldom end up where I wanted to go,

but almost always end up where I need to be."

- Douglas Adams

In A Split Second

In a split second your whole world can be different. For better or for worse. Today, I began the day as every other day. Then a phone call came. This phone call provided an opportunity that would change my life and it would never be the same again. I called all of my friends and asked for prayers that we would make the right decision. Tonight, one of them said, if all of this falls through, I am so sorry. Please don't be upset. He was afraid if it fell through we would blame him for putting us through the hurt. I reminded him that if you never take chances, life isn't worth living.

If you think about it, all of life is nothing but chances. Don't we really take a chance on everyone who enters our lives? Our friends. Our relationships. Our doctors. Even our pets. Life would be so dull without all the great people that go in and out of it. I've tried to think back on people that I have been close to. I do truly believe they were here for a reason and fulfilled their purpose and left.

So, who decides our chances that we are taking are stupid? Who decides we have gone too far? And does a true friend let you make these mistakes or stop you? Or ultimately, do they go through it with you?

At the end of every bumpy road, we are changed in some way. Sometimes, we are much stronger and our hearts are changed. Sometimes, they make us bitter and spend much of the rest of our lives mad at the world. And sometimes, they make us someone new and our lives are never the same. So I guess all of those chances we take, are leading us to who we become and down the bumpy road of life.

It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It is the
dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It is the one that won't be taken who cannot seem to give. And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.
-Bette Midler

Girlfrinds

Today, one of my friends sent me this text message. I thought I would post it here. It hit so many things that weigh heavy on my heart.

A Poem About Our Girlfriends

Someone will always be prettier.
Someone will always be smarter.
Some of their houses will be bigger.
Some will drive better cars.
Their children will do better in school.
And their husbands will fix more things around the house.
So let it go and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it!
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
The most highly favored woman on your job may be unable to have children.
The richest woman you know, she's got the car, the house, the clothes~ might be lonely.
And the Word says, If I have not Love, I am nothing.
So, again love you,
Love who you are
look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say,
"I am too Blessed to be Stressed and too Anointed to be Disappointed!"
Winners make things happen~ Losers let things happen.
Be Blessed Ladies and pass this on to encourage another woman.
To the world you might be one person, to me you are special.

Isn't it great to know that there is always someone out there who knows how you are feeling? I am truly blessed to have such great friends in my life.

In Our Small Corner of the World

I work at a medical clinic. We begin each day, before our doors open, with a huddle. We share the things that are going on in our lives, with our friends and loved ones. and even our animals.

So often, our patients become our family. We laugh and rejoice with the good news we get to share. And when we have to give bad news, it is with a sorrowful heart. Each day you have those patients that you feel you made a difference. You hope, somehow, you have made them feel better.

Each day these things that are on our hearts are written on a board. Today, as people were telling about the things that were going on in their lives, I wondered about the rest of the world. In just our small corner, there was cancer, underweight babies, death, transplants, and families that were falling apart. It saddened my heart to think about everything going on around us and how big each struggle felt to the person going through it.

With all of this on my heart, I hope this year to think about the mountain each person has to climb. To look past my corner of the world and see there is a bigger picture.

Through humor, you can soften some of the
worst blows that life delivers. And once you
find laughter, no matter how painful your situation
might be, you can survive it.
- Bill Cosby

Blessings

It was an ordinary day. Nothing remarkable happened. There was no celebration. There was not any great news to set today aside from the rest. No excitement at all. So, as part of my new year's goal, I looked back on today to find a blessing in it. So here it goes.

Everyday we pass people laying on the ground with a blanket covering them while they are leaning against a bridge. I always find myself wondering what got them there. In a day where it is all too easily one of us, I no longer assume that it is an addiction that caused their fall. It seems as though now we all live in a time where we are one paycheck away from being on the street. So many people today are losing their homes, their cars, or the world that they have worked so hard to build. I think about my life and where I would be without family, friends, and those that are so close to me. It is a small group of people that mean the world to me and that are my world. I live in a warm bedroom that I share with my husband. And believe me, it will make or break your relationship. But I'm never alone on a cold night. I have a coat, gloves, and scarf to keep me physically warm. I have the love of many to keep my heart warm. What happens when everything you have is gone? I hope that I am never one of those people who has to ever know the answer to that question. You don't grow up hoping to be cold, alone, and have nothing. You spend your life aspiring to be something so great that most the time, our lives look so disappointing when we grow up. We think we can accomplish the world. Until one day, the world seems like such a large and cold place to be.

So, today I counted my blessings. My family, a home, clothes, friends, and even though things aren't how I imagined them to be, a sense of great accomplishment for the small things in life I have done. For once, I didn't look at the things that I haven't done. Today, I counted my blessings.

Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings.
-Author Unknown, from Be Thankful

What's in Your Backpack?

Tonight, I actually got to have date night with my husband. He is a natural born film critic. He critiques the actors, the directors, and even down to the lighting. I, on the other hand, watch a movie for the humor, the message, or for pure entertainment. Tonight, we saw Up in the Air. He wanted to see it for all of the awards it is nominated for, the director, and the actors. I saw it because he wanted to go and who says no to seeing a movie with George Clooney in it. And unfortunately, I have to admit that he is usually right when he picks a movie. All of that aside, as I am sure he was critiquing everything about the movie, I was looking for some sort of message. Something that makes you look at life differently. Something that makes you smile when you think about it. Something to add some sort of enlightenment to my day. Ryan's (George Clooney) job is to travel the country firing people. He is a guest speaker at several events. He always talks about a backpack. In one speech he talks about putting everything material that is in your life and fitting it into a backpack. He talks about how heavy it would be. Everything from your clothes, to your couch, to you bed. The weight of the backpack would begin to bog you down. Then, he says, "What if you set it on fire? How enlightened would you feel?" Then, he talks about having a backpack and adding the people that are in your life. From the most important and special to small acquaintances. How full would you back pack be?

I have a life full of "stuff" crammed into one room. I feel as though it explodes on a daily basis. I feel as though I couldn't say that one thing was more important than the other, but it does cause alot of stress. So much stress in fact, I had to buy an organizer this weekend. Which in turn caused more stress because of the money. Our lives seem to be an endless cycle. I truly believe that each person that is placed in our lives are here for a specific purpose. To help us handle the "stuff" that our backpacks contain. My backpack is so full and weighs so heavy on my shoulders everyday. As I revert back to yesterday's blog, I have forgotten how to relax. I have forgotten how to lighten-up. Everything is so serious and I find myself thinking about how each thing will make impact tomorrow.

I leave you with one last thought for tonight: what's in your backpack and how does it effect your life? At the end of the day, if you could only put a one thing in your backpack, what would you put in? A person, clothes, or item of some importance. At the end of the day, what truly matters?

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on
life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company.... a church...a
home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past....we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.

-Charles R Swindoll

What's Relaxing?

Americans have forgotten to relax. Today, during a massage, the lady kept telling me to relax. I thought that I was. She said that Americans have completely forgotten how to relax. I pondered on this thought as she rubbed my shoulders and back. And every so often she would repeat, "try to relax." I could feel myself tensing up and adding to my headache and the tension she was working so hard to get out of my shoulders.

I spent the rest of the day wondering why I was so stressed. I really didn't have any deadlines. No bills. No where I had to be. I wondered exactly when the last time I had truly "relaxed" was. I thought maybe two years ago when we went to the mountains and stayed in a cabin. But, that wasn't it. I was tense the whole time. One, worrying about money. Two, driving up and down the mountain scared me to death. And three, that the weekend would be over too soon and my relaxing vacation was over all too quickly. So I guess I can truly say that I am one of these crazy Americans she was talking about.

I asked for a ton of books for Christmas. I have decided to add to my new years resolution- try to relax. Do you ever feel that when we think we are going to try to relax that we only add to the stress? I find myself worrying about where I'll fit it in and exactly what does one do to relax.

I guess to relax, the first thing you have to do, is let go. I listened to a sermon while I was working this week. The one thing he said that caught my attention was,"Is this going to eternity matter". Is this going to matter in a week. Is this going to matter tomorrow. Is this going to matter 10 minutes from now. We get so caught up in those moments that we forget what really matters." I felt as though it was the thing I needed to hear the most. He said that we are so caught up in the "right now kind of thinking" that life has passed us by. We are so busy thinking that all this matters that we go in to debt, we make mistakes, teenagers get pregnant. All because of "right now kind of thinking".

I have truly forgotten how to relax. So I guess as I lay my head on my pillow tonight, I am going to lay here with my eyes closed and just breath, count my blessings, and be.

Sometimes its important to work for that pot of gold. But other
times it's essential to take time off and to make sure your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow.-Douglas Pagels

First Day of a New Year

Today, I have hope. A clean slate. A chance to accomplish the world. No regrets.

My goals for this year, to be healthy, happy, and not to wake up at the end of this year and have any regrets. To not wake up at the end of 2010 and wonder where it went and panic because I had watched it pass me by.

So, here's to 2010 and all the possibilities.

I don't believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.
-Joseph
Campbell