Sometimes, life changes by a phone call, an email, a decision, or a feeling. That feeling you have in the pit of your stomach where suddenly know something isn't right. This is that moment you wish you could rewind your life back to. Maybe even just 5 minutes before this feeling hit.
I'm gonna pause here and say... this is where I was raised that how you handle each situation shows what kind of person you are. We need to watch how we handle things because other people are always watching. We don't want them talking about us, or even better, we are "Christians" and we should make sure to shine our light in every situation.
So what happens when the feeling hits, how do you handle your world falling apart? How do you handle your world going black and white? But more importantly, how do you put your picture perfect life back together?
Someone once told me... It is at these times, we realize what is most important to us in this life. We realize for the first time ever, that things can be gone in a split second. And these times, mold us and shape into who we become. In these moments, you stand or you fall. You decide what is truly worth fighting for. You, maybe for the first time ever, realize who you really are.
You see, somewhere along the way, I lost track. I forgot. I think as women, this happens most often and so much more easily to us. Usually, we grow up with this fairy tale dream. When it comes true, we give over our identity and become one with another. Then, if you're lucky, you become a mother. You're no longer just someone's daughter. Someone's wife. Now, you are and forever will be, someone's mother. It doesn't really shock me that we would forget that we have a voice. That we matter. That we should stand up for whoever we want to be. But life often takes its toll. Whether it be, because our dreams didn't come true, life just didn't turn out as planned, or we just completely forget who we are.
That day... the day the feeling started, I found out who I was. I found out who and what mattered. I found out what I was willing to fight for. I found out, I could break. How easily I could break. I found out how fragile my whole world really was. In those moments of being completely shattered, my entire life stopped and turned black and white.
I would like to tell you that this journey over the past several months has become easier. I would love to say that the terrible feeling only happened once and went away. I would love to say that everything has resumed full color, and along with it,its picture perfect quality. Sadly, I would be lying if I said any of that.
What I can tell you... I don't take anything for granted. That day began the voyage of finding out who I really am. That day, I decided I was going to fight for what mattered most to me... what I had spent my whole life building.
Standing at a fork in the road, wondering what each path holds. I can't say yet what lies ahead. I don't know that it will ever have the amazing picture I had before. I don't know that I wouldn't fall apart again. I don't know that the terrible feeling won't return. What I do know, is whatever this path holds, it was that path I decided to take. It was the path I was going to fight for. It was the journey, that regardless what was at the end, I was going to take. Daily, the bumps scare me. Daily, they make me afraid that my road will crumble. Daily, I see the odds against me. But I choose whatever lies ahead. And I hope that maybe I don't have that perfectly colored picture that I once had. I hope, that despite the lines and dreams that have faded and changed over time, it will make the picture that much more perfect. It will have weathered any storm. It's a picture that has stood the test of time. That it will be some much greater than I ever imagined. It will be worth the fight. And just maybe, I will have discovered exactly who I was suppose to become along the way.
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